What Other Birthparents Say About Adoption

“Knowing that ‘my kids' are being raised by a mom and dad who's whole world revolves around them is a great benefit; I never worry. Adoption doesn't have to be an experience to be ashamed of. I'm proud of the decision I made and the fact that ‘my kids' will have opportunities I couldn't provide.”

Amy, birthmother to Ellie and Isaac,

on what she wishes others knew about adoption.

“I was very nervous, so when I met them I had some close friends come with me. It has changed because I'm not so nervous now and they are just another part of my life that I'm proud of.”

Jessica, Birthmother to Nathan,

on adjusting to open adoption.

“I thought I could give her up and forget about her, with no strings attached. It may sound sad, but its being honest. I had to learn to accept it and deal with it. I lost the bonding between a child and parent. I gave birth to her, but I don't know her. I don't feel her pain, see her smiles, watch her take her first step, say her first word. As a birthparent it's hard to get adjusted to giving your child away, but it's not like you're giving your child away. You, as a parent, must put your child's interest first. . . . Life is not perfect or fair. Everyday I think of my child, but it gets easier. I watch her grow up in pictures and everyday I thank the Lord that I got to bring this Angel into this world, even if it means that someone else will have the joys, heartaches, pains, and happiness of this child. I brought happiness to a couple that couldn't have that happiness unless a birthparent like me gave it to them. So to me that is the most fulfilling gift I could ask for and I'm very proud of that. . . . If you are having second thoughts about the adoption, that is normal. As a birthparent I will always play the “what if” in my head, but deep in my heart I'm happy with the choice I made.”

Jody, Birthmother to Joely,

on the joys and pains of adoption.

The following are comments that have been taken from our birthparent support group, Birthparent Forum. Our support group allows birthparents and expectant parents to talk to each other in a forum. This confidential forum has allowed many birthparents an avenue to resolve their struggles with adoption. All of these individuals have had different experiences and present interesting perspectives on the life of a birthparent.

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'Today my baby girl went home with her new parents. I know I made the right decision but it still hurts like crazy. What can I do to make the rest of this journey a little easier? I feel guilty because I chose to give her up and I feel guilty because I want to keep her but I know this is the only way she'll have the life she deserves. How do I get over this guilt, I know I shouldn't be guilty but will it ever go away?'  

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'I know what you are going through because I am going through it too. I bet it is weird hearing this from a guy, especially these days. It has been almost five months since we signed those papers to put my son up for open adoption. I see him once a month and I am still feeling guilty about it.'

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'You aren't weak. If you say that about yourself when you are having a hard time, you say that about all of us when we are having a hard time. You are human. It's human to grieve and miss your birthdaughter. Don't feel guilty for a decision that you made out of love. She will know that you made the choice to place her for adoption because you love her. Hang in there.'

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'The feelings of guilt can last awhile, and it's only natural to feel this way. After all, according to society you are going against everything that is natural. But you aren't! Not if you look back at the list of reasons you had for placing your baby. The only thing that is natural when having a baby is being a mother and protecting your child. You have come to the realization that in order to protect your child and give her the best life possible, you had to place her with a family that was better prepared to raise her. You are a MOTHER to your baby in the deepest sense of the word!

It's ok to feel guilt right now, but if you truly came to this decision as a mother to your child, and out of the deepest love, and because you knew it was the best thing for her . . . the guilt will subside. Just give yourself some time. Yes it hurts, yes you feel like there must be some other way - this is grief.

Your heart needs to heal. Unfortunately, there is no skipping this stage. Just breathe. I promise you life will go on.'

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To learn more about these people and their stories, click here.

Click here for more comments about open adoption.